Christmas Eve and I'm blogging. Well done American culture. Round of applause for your successful transformation of an old-timey, paper-lovin' boy into a blogging sensation. Anyway, Billy, events have taken quite a surprising, yet not unexpected, turn. I would like to start with a declaration of my distaste for my ex-brother, Lucifer. He's a pathetic, vile, lonely creature intent on destroying any happiness in this pathetic, vile, and lonely world. But, where the world has redeeming qualities, Luci has none.

Second, I don't know who I am. Every time I think I figure it out, every time I feel comfortable, I feel a rug pulled from beneath my feet. Catching myself over and over again is exhausting, and shatters my metaphorical wrists. When one's comfort zone is removed, their bubble popped, they are left as the most vulnerable form of themselves. Coincidentally, it is also their truest.

So I know these repeated obstructions to happiness will eventually refine my true form into something marvelous, that they will hone it into a flawless diamond if I react correctly. Right now I can't help but feel as if I'm headed towards a more coalful end. What with Christmas on the horizon and all.

PS-it didn't snow. Effing ridiculous.

So with all this underlying my thoughts, I'm worried about my reaction to a certain decision I'm waiting for regarding January 5th. The way I see it, the Lord called me for January 5th. He doesn't make mistakes. Unfortunately I'm outrageously pathetic, and did. It's all my fault and I thought I was fine with it. I've told everyone I'm fine with it. I act like I'm fine with it. I'm not.

It's testimony to me that the Lord is so much more than the devil. Devil's Trials are meager and simple pop quizzes in comparison. My silly September Folly was nothing in view of the embarrassment of a moved date. Having the surety of a mission has kept me going for so long, once that was removed I just...I don't know who I am anymore. What will I do if I can't go? At first I thought I could be relieved of all manner of duty and light and fall, and fall hard. But I quickly decided I wouldn't. But there's always a good, a better, and a best. Good is not completely turning my life around. We're for sure there. Maybe. Indecision, you are my bane. Anyway, I decided I would go to BYU. If I can. If not, get a job, move out, earn money til I can. Simple enough. The third and best choice would be to keep trying until I can get another call.

Part of me just wants to give up all together. The part that's blogging right now. The part that got angry when everyone knew about my date being pushed back. Secrecy gives me away, and yet I cling to it like a drowning kitten. I hate. No direct object needed. And yet I love. Too much. How do we find a happy medium? How do I find peace with myself? find balance? It's like I've been juggling multiple lives and personalities and now they're all coming crashing down into a new, angry being I don't know. It begs the question:

Who am I?

Who am I, Billy?