Soul Vomit...Soulmit? Voul? Voulmit.

I'm afraid. I've spent my whole life confronting and conquering fear, of logically taking it apart and then realistically eliminating it that I don't really know what to do now that I feel it. My greatest fear used to be of myself; something I could never fully understand or confront. But I'm afraid of rejection. I'm alone and too afraid to fix it.
It's transferred into the workforce, as well. I've finally gotten interviews for jobs and stood them all up. What's wrong with me, Billy? I thought I was fixed. I thought after going to the temple I wouldn't miss..."them" anymore. The temple was the single most amazing experience of my entire life. For those few hours I felt so close to my Father in Heaven. I felt loved. But it didn't erase the sorrow completely.
I feel so protected it's amazing. I'm not scared of myself anymore. I proved that I could control myself, and now I don't have to worry as much about it. One of His many wonderful gifts. But I still think about them often. I smell them sometimes in a single brisk breeze in the autumn air, or clinging to my clothes as I slip them on. I miss feeling wanted. I miss getting a compliment, and being able to truly believe in it.
I don't have night terrors or scream into my pillows anymore. Nor do I find time to privately convulse and cry. When I do, the tears come swiftly, silently, sneaking up like a...a something that sneaks up. Then, just as ghostly as it appeared, the feeling washes over and away, leaving me empty, but able to cover up and regain composure.
I want to feel wanted. Wanted by someone whom I want back. Someone who understands me. Who respects me. Who doesn't need an explanation, but accepts me for who I am. When I was with them I never had to worry about being manly, and in doing so found myself more masculine than I've ever felt before.
I've been avoiding writing about any of this because I wanted it to all go away. A part of me wished I'd wake up and forget it had ever happened. Or for someone to tell me I'd been dreaming. But keeping all these thoughts bottled up like this for so long...it's just made it harder. I've tried talking to people, but I can't, and end up worrying about what they're thinking, my thoughts coming out in short, incomprehensible outbursts. I thought I could get it all out physically: running, dancing, celloing, etc--anything. I should take up jujitsu. I need to hit something.
My dance has never had such emotion and vigor. I know it looks horrendous, but it's satisfying to feel the emotions and energy running through my veins from my pulsing, broken heart to the very tips of my fingers, finally exiting my body like a breath held too long, returning to the universe from which it was first borrowed.

And now I'm posed with another question: Will I get married?

I have to believe that we can fall in love again. That this heart can beat for another. But I'm too afraid to find out. I spoke earlier of my yearning to be loved and wanted, but I don't know if I really want it, when considering the cost. All the comfort and lonelilessness might not be worth the pain and memories. Aaaaand cue tears. Surprising every time. Well, I think that concludes my soulful upheaval and hurling. Gross.